He continued.
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There was the soul of Cratinus—passable: Aristophanes—racy:Plato—exquisite—not _your_ Plato, but Plato the comic poet; yourPlato would have turned the stomach of Cerberus—faugh! Then let mesee! there were Naevius, and Andronicus, and Plautus, and Terentius. Thenthere were Lucilius, and Catullus, and Naso, and Quintus Flaccus,—dearQuinty! as I called him when he sung a _seculare_ for my amusement, while Itoasted him, in pure good humor, on a fork. But they want _flavor_, theseRomans. One fat Greek is worth a dozen of them, and besides will _keep_,which cannot be said of a Quirite. Let us taste your Sauterne.” Bon-Bon had by this time made up his mind to the _nil admirari_ and endeavoredto hand down the bottles in question. He was, however, conscious of astrange sound in the room like the wagging of a tail. Of this, althoughextremely indecent in his Majesty, the philosopher took no notice:—simplykicking the dog, and requesting him to be quiet. The visitor continued: “I found that Horace tasted very much like Aristotle;—you know I amfond of variety. Terentius I could not have told from Menander. Naso, tomy astonishment, was Nicander in disguise. Virgilius had a strong twang ofTheocritus. Martial put me much in mind of Archilochus—and TitusLivius was positively Polybius and none other.” “Hic-cup!” here replied Bon-Bon, and his majesty proceeded: “But if I have a penchant, Monsieur Bon-Bon—if I have a penchant, itis for a philosopher. Yet, let me tell you, sir, it is not every dev—Imean it is not every gentleman who knows how to choose a philosopher. Longones are not good; and the best, if not carefully shelled, are apt to be alittle rancid on account of the gall!” “Shelled!” “I mean taken out of the carcass.” “What do you think of a—hic-cup!—physician?” “Don’t mention them!—ugh! ugh! ugh!” (Here his Majesty retchedviolently.) “I never tasted but one—that rascal Hippocrates!—smeltof asafoetida—ugh! ugh! ugh!—caught a wretched cold washinghim in the Styx—and after all he gave me the cholera morbus.” “The—hiccup!—wretch!” ejaculated Bon-Bon, “the—hic-cup!—abortionof a pill-box!”—and the philosopher dropped a tear. “After all,” continued the visitor, “after all, if a dev—if agentleman wishes to live, he must have more talents than one or two; andwith us a fat face is an evidence of diplomacy.” “How so?” “Why, we are sometimes exceedingly pushed for provisions. You must knowthat, in a climate so sultry as mine, it is frequently impossible to keepa spirit alive for more than two or three hours; and after death, unlesspickled immediately (and a pickled spirit is not good), they will—smell—youunderstand, eh? Putrefaction is always to be apprehended when the soulsare consigned to us in the usual way.” “Hiccup!—hiccup!—good God! how do you manage?” Here the iron lamp commenced swinging with redoubled violence, and thedevil half started from his seat;—however, with a slight sigh, herecovered his composure, merely saying to our hero in a low tone: “I tellyou what, Pierre Bon-Bon, we must have no more swearing.” The host swallowed another bumper, by way of denoting thoroughcomprehension and acquiescence, and the visitor continued. “Why, there are several ways of managing. The most of us starve: some putup with the pickle: for my part I purchase my spirits vivente corpore, inwhich case I find they keep very well.” “But the body!—hiccup!—the body!” “The body, the body—well, what of the body?—oh! ah! Iperceive. Why, sir, the body is not at all affected by the transaction. Ihave made innumerable purchases of the kind in my day, and the partiesnever experienced any inconvenience. There were Cain and Nimrod, andNero, and Caligula, and Dionysius, and Pisistratus, and—and athousand others, who never knew what it was to have a soul during thelatter part of their lives; yet, sir, these men adorned society. Whyisn’t there A——, now, who you know as well as I? Is_he_ not in possession of his faculties, mental and corporeal? Whowrites a keener epigram? Who reasons more wittily? Who—but stay! Ihave his agreement in my pocket-book.” Thus saying, he produced a red leather wallet, and took from it a numberof papers. Upon some of these Bon-Bon caught a glimpse of the letters_Machi—Maza—Robesp_—with the words _Caligula, George,Elizabeth_. His Majesty selected a narrow slip of parchment, and from itread aloud the following words: “In consideration of certain mental endowments which it is unnecessary tospecify, and in further consideration of one thousand louis d’or, I beingaged one year and one month, do hereby make over to the bearer of thisagreement all my right, title, and appurtenance in the shadow called mysoul. (Signed) A....” {*4} (Here His Majesty repeated a name which I didnot feel justified in indicating more unequivocally.) {*4} Quere-Arouet? “A clever fellow that,” resumed he; “but like you, Monsieur Bon-Bon, hewas mistaken about the soul. The soul a shadow, truly! The soul a shadow;Ha! ha! ha!—he! he! he!—hu! hu! hu! Only think of a fricasseedshadow!” “_Only_ think—hiccup!—of a fricasséed shadow!” exclaimed ourhero, whose faculties were becoming much illuminated by the profundity ofhis Majesty’s discourse. “Only think of a hiccup!—fricasséed shadow!! Now, damme!—hiccup!—humph!If _I_ would have been such a—hiccup!—nincompoop! _My_ soul, Mr.—humph!” “_Your_ soul, Monsieur Bon-Bon?” “Yes, sir—hiccup!—_my_ soul is—” “What, sir?” “_No_ shadow, damme!” “Did you mean to say—” “Yes, sir, my soul is—hiccup!—humph!—yes, sir.” “Did you not intend to assert—” “My soul is—hiccup!—peculiarly qualified for—hiccup!—a—” “What, sir?” “Stew.” “Ha!” “Soufflee.” “Eh!” “Fricassee.” “Indeed!” “Ragout and fricandeau—and see here, my good fellow! I’ll let youhave it—hiccup!—a bargain.” Here the philosopher slapped hisMajesty upon the back. “Couldn’t think of such a thing,” said the latter calmly, at the same timerising from his seat. The metaphysician stared. “Am supplied at present,” said his Majesty. “Hiccup!—e-h?” said the philosopher. “Have no funds on hand.” “What?” “Besides, very unhandsome in me—” “Sir!” “To take advantage of—” “Hiccup!” “Your present disgusting and ungentlemanly situation.” Here the visitor bowed and withdrew—in what manner could notprecisely be ascertained—but in a well-concerted effort to dischargea bottle at “the villain,” the slender chain was severed that dependedfrom the ceiling, and the metaphysician prostrated by the downfall of thelamp.
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