XI.
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ondon, April 15th. You promised me a letter twice; none has comeyet I want the sight of your handwriting more thanyou know. Sometimes I lie all night thinking whereyou ate, and sometimes I dare not lie down for thehorror of the fancy. If I could but entreat and prayyou to come away — knowing what I do. Even if Idared hope the worst of all was what it cannot be — ahideous false fear of mine — I could hardly bear itAs it is I am certain of one thing only in the world,that this year cannot leave us where the last did. If Imust be away from you, and if you must remain withhim, I cannot pretend to live in the way of other men.It is too monstrous and shameful to see things as theyare and let them go on. Old men may play withsuch things if they dare. We cannot live and lie. Youare brave enough for any act of noble justice. You a year's letters. 125 told me once I knew you to the heart, and ought togive up dreaming and hoping — but I might be sure,you said, of what I had. I do know you perfectly, asI love you: but I hope all the more. If hope meantanything ignoble, could I let it touch on you for amoment? I look to you to be as great as it is yournature to be. It is not for myself — I am ashamed towrite even the denial — that I summon you to break offthis hideous sort of compromise you are living in.What you are doing insults God, and maddens menwho see it Think what it is to endure and to act asyou do! I ask you what right you have to let himplay at husband with you? You know he has noright; why should you have? Would you let him tryforce to detain you if your mind were made up? Youare doing as great a wrong as that would be, if youstay of your own accord. Who could blame you ifyou went? Who can help blaming you now? I sayyou cannot live with him always. If I thought youcould, could I think you incapable of baseness? andyou know, I am certain you do in your inmost heartknow, that you have shown me by clear proof how in-finitely you are the noblest of all women. Do all 126 love's cross-currents. prefer a brave and blameless sorrow, with the veilclose over it, to a shameful sneaking happiness underthe mask? There was a time when I thought I couldhave worn it if I had picked it up at your feet Therecollection makes me half mad with shame. To haveconceived of a possible falsehood in your face is de-gradation enough for me. Now that you have set meright (and I would give my life to show you how muchmore I have loved you ever since) I come to ask youto be quite brave. Only that I implore you now togo without disguise at all. You cannot speak falsely,I know; but to be silent is of itself a sort of pretence.Speak, for Heaven's sake, that all who ever hear ofyou may adore you as I shall. Think of the divineappeal against wrong and all falsehood that you willbe making! — a protest that the very meanest must bemoved and transformed by. It is so easy to do, andso noble. Say why you go, and then go at once. Putit before your brother. Go straight to him when youleave the hateful house you are in. He is very young,I know, but he must see the greatness of what youdo. Perhaps one never sees how grand such thingsare — never appreciates the reality of their greatness —
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